yesterday somebody said i remind them a lot of wednesday addams.

i think that automatically makes this week off to a good start because wednesday is amazing.

yesterday everything felt like it would be complicated and tightly knotted but today i’ve decided to take things a little easier. i guess that is probably really cryptic sounding to anyone who isn’t me but all i mean is that it’s nice to take a deep breath and step back for a little while even when things are clearly going badly.

i feel like celebrating tonight even though i’ve got nothing to celebrate! i think this calls for a bath, lemon cake and sangria and skins-watching.

p.s. i miss you loads damien :(

pin

staring into the open casket today made me wonder if this is a beginning or an end.

it was cold this morning when the funeral began and then we went outside it was just perfect out. it makes me sort of happy knowing that of all the days it could be perfect outside maybe it’s not a coincidence that it was today.

i think life is too short to live it without knowing where you’re going. i hate the thought of myself in a casket before being able to make a difference of some sort or accomplishing something. my mind is in a million places today.

king of trees

i’ve never had to think this hard about whether or not i should make a decision that is obviously a terrible one.

i know i’ll regret it and i’ll feel awful about myself but part of me says do it anyway because it doesn’t feel like i could go any lower than this.

i don’t know why i do some of the things i do. it could be because i like having someone try to talk me out of it. but really i think i’d just like to be able to make a stupid decision without letting anyone down. i know it’s not possible but i’d like to make a mistake every so often and have someone to talk it over with afterwards.

i’m unsure what i’ll do from here on out but i am so thankful for my best friend damien. i get all mushy talking about him because he really is the angel over my shoulder sometimes. not being able to see him really kills me.

i don’t like ending these on sour notes, so today was my last baking class. we learned how to do pies and tarts but it was a bore so i just stared at fruit preserves on the shelf opposite me. i could have gone to a graffiti exhibit downtown today but i watched a fat old lady make quiche lorraine instead. that’s okay with me though.

jack the ripper

it is pouring rain out tonight and thunder and lightning are shaking my entire house and i am enjoying it!

so naturally tonight has been spent boosh-watching (i thought nannageddon and sammy the crab would be fitting), screaming lord sutch-listening, jack the ripper book-reading, and black tea-drinking. i think it’s sort of one of those nights where i wish i had a cape like rhys. i really think i’d like things a little better if i had a cape.

everything else lately has been odd but i’m slowly enjoying it because for the first time in a while i feel very in control of things. i know i’m going to make some mistakes but, you know, i’m perfectly fine with that.

but all sentimental bits aside i think it’s time for baking vegan cookies! night~

no hope kids

i don’t know what to do with myself.

it’s weird getting over someone when you never get a break from them. even when i do get a break i start missing him and things are worse. i’m running out of things to preoccupy myself with.

things fell apart so quickly.

it’s a curse

spring break has just started but it feels like it’s nearly over.

i haven’t done much at all with the time so far but i can’t really say i’ve been cheated out of anything because at the very least i’m making money, even if it’s just the tiniest bit. i don’t know what i’ll do with it, really.

my favorite little pub is in new ownership now. it was the londoner and now it’s churchill’s. it used to be kind of dank and dirty with mismatched chairs and silverware and the smiths and the kinks playing and it never was very full so i could go and sit and bide my time. now two fat old women own it and they’ve made it feminine and flowery with nice, proper english fare. sometimes i like feminine and flowery and proper but mostly i think i’ll miss the dark and dirty room and greasy food. it’s really made me sad today.

on the bright side i have started baking classes which i like. they’re not hands-on which isn’t so great but i’m still learning a lot which is nice. also my art’s on display which makes me pretty happy.

and speaking of art, i’ve really been craving a trip to the dallas museum of art :(

everything lately is black coffee, slouchy boots, strange phrases, late night baking, sherlock holmes pipes, driving too fast in dallas and victorian patterns. it’s weird to me how everything i do now is so structured. when i didn’t really care much for anything life was rougher. now it’s as though i’ve organized everything in my life and cleaned up so much clutter even though i haven’t changed very much. i like it.

i have been carrying around my old dog-eared copy of helter skelter recenty. i’m re-reading it and it really fascinates me. it’s probably my favorite book. i’m a bookworm so books for me are almost like little fashion statements. i’ve always got a book in my hands; i’ve got my anthony burgess, my kurt vonnegut, oscar wilde and salinger. i think reading and writing are such beautiful things. maybe this sounds crazy to everyone but me. maybe it will sound crazy to me when i read this in the morning because it’s late and it’s got me all emotional!

i want morrissey to come back to town very badly. when he came out on stage i cried and felt silly, seventeen and five feet tall crying in a sea of middle aged people. it really was the greatest night of my life.

morrissey, tackle me :)

what do you see in him

this week has been all wrong.

i think it’s mostly because there is a boy at my school from spain who is infatuated with me and follows me and stares. a lot of girls think that’s cute but it really terrifies me. i don’t want any attention paid to me, least of all his, especially considering i was just recently dumped. at any rate i lied and said i have a boyfriend so maybe things will clear up.

all of that aside things are okay. i am working on a print-making project, which i love. i did prints of morrissey last year and this year i’m ambitious and i’m doing a portrait of the smiths. also tomorrow is a big meatless dinner party which is perfect for me! i am making latkes because everyone knows my latkes are the best~

good night.

carcass

i’ve been thinking a lot about something my grandma told me when i was a kid. she said that when the beatles had just come to america, she first heard them while at the grocery store and stopped everything she was doing to listen to them. they were her favorite band from the very moment she heard them.

i guess i want something like that. i want something to happen that makes me drop whatever i’m doing. i am waiting for whatever it is to happen, whether it’s a band or a person or a realization. i think it’s the craziest thing, having your life change like that in an instant.

anyhow, it is drizzly and grey outside today and will be tomorrow but that’s alright because it’s perfect cardigan weather and i just got a fuschia cardigan that i think i’ll wear with black jeans and spider earrings. it is also great siouxsie-listening weather! i’ve got juju on and i’m wearing my cheshire cat pajamas with a cup of chai and i’m perfectly content with that.

harmonise

things have been very good lately and i’m not really sure why but i’m enjoying it.

i had my tarot cards read yesterday and it was a strange and nice experience. a lot of people think those things are sort of flimsy and i guess they are because it’s all up to interpretation but it made me feel a lot better about things and that’s what matters i think.

at any rate this last week has been filled with buying vintage floral print things, tazo tea drinking, beans on toast, hanging out with robert and laying in the grass even though it’s cold out. i don’t feel worried about anything even though i probably could find reasons to worry. i love this week and the week before that and next week and the rest of my life. i just know things are going to be good for whatever reason.

it’s just nice to know that i’m slowly figuring everything out and making something of myself.